Don't call it a comeback.

Just call it a new post :)

Sorry to have taken this long to get back in the game, but I've been mightily distracted. First and foremost, this post is dedicated to my cat who has been missing for 3 weeks now. We know if he were alive he would've made it back to us.

No matter what I will always love you, Ollie. You will forever be in my heart.





Now. To get to less painful subjects; let's do a little writin'.

I've decided that I'm going to start a story here. Whether it's a short story or not is up to your perspective. Ahem.



Part One.The Storm.

Talia jumped as a peal of thunder shook the floor of the dank, dark and silent cabin she was currently huddled in.

"A great adventure....just trust me...hah, last time I'm listening to her." Talia muttered under her breath as she shivered and pulled her knees closer in to her chest. Just need to create more body warmth. Maybe if she jumped up and down and did some jumping jacks--BOOM!

"This weather is getting ridiculous." Talia scoffed, trying not to feel the fear sneaking up on here. She didn't know these woods as well as Becca; this was Becca's back yard practically. She wouldn't be able to find her way back to Becca's house alone. Where did Becka go anyway? They were both scanning the woods for some shelter from the storm that blew in unexpectedly and the next thing Talia realizes is she's standing in the woods. Alone.

She started yelling her friend's name, competing with the howling wind for dominance. Talia decided to wait the storm out somewhere, and then she would go looking for Becca. A bolt of lightning lit up the darkened cabin and Talia immediately starting counting. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi--BOOM! The storm was less than a mile away.

Trying to abate her fear, Talia started to think of all the things she needed to get done that week. Apply for more jobs. The cabin lit up again. Go pick up her new kitten she found on Craigslist. One Mississippi. Get her brakes changed. Two Mississippi. Plan out her trip to Miami for her birthday. Three Mississippi. BOOM! Talia blew her breath out impatiently, dropping her head in her hands to try and block out reality.

She never liked storms. They always reminded her of what happened when she was five. Or rather, what almost happened. Not a great time to think of that right now.

Don't think about it, she told herself. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Talia began to chant in her head. Anything to drown this out.

Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think. Think. Think. BOOM!

Talia looked out the window. The rain is coming down in sheets and it looks like so much fun. She pressed her nose against the glass longingly.

"Talia! Get away from the window, darling. I don't want you getting hurt!" Her mom ushered her quickly away from the window, plopping her down at her play desk and handing her some crayons. "Why don't you draw Mommy a picture while I do some ironing, hmm Sweetie?" Her mom turned back to her ironing board and started humming.

Two colorful houses later Talia, bored of drawing for Mommy, looked back to the window. If only she could get out there without Mommy noticing she could go swimming in the water that's outside! She could make it back and sit down at her table without anyone the wiser. Talia nodded her reserve and crept away from the table. She walked into the kitchen and tip toed dramatically to the door.

She reached up and grabbed the doorknob, turning it slowly and soundlessly pulling open the door. Talia looked out from behind the screen door and smiled. This looked like so much fun! She pushed open the screen door and leaped out the door with a joyful shriek. Talia clapped her hands over her mouth and glanced back at the closing screen door. Mommy might have heard that. Better run so she doesn't see me out here! Talia thought as she took off running.

Talia ran in no particular direction. She leaped and galloped and skipped and slid. She laughed hysterically when she slipped in some mud and fell on her bottom. Looking up at the sky was difficult; the water kept getting in her eyes. While she was running, she saw a streak of white flash through the sky.

Oooh, how pretty was that! Talia giggled and kept running. A loud boom alerted her to something not quite right. I know that sound, Talia paused, that's the sound that makes me crawl into Mommy and Daddy's bed at night.

Suddenly frightened, Talia started to run back toward her house. She came out from underneath the tree's branches in the field behind her house. As she was sprinting at full speed back to her house, her mom came out the back door.

"Talia! What in heavens are you doing? Get back in here now! You're going to get struck by lightning!" As soon as the words left her mother's mouth, a bolt of lightning hit the tree behind Talia. Sobbing, she pushed herself even harder to get to her mother than before.

She slammed into her mother, a bawling, wet mess. Her mother whirled them both inside, shutting the door quickly.

"Talia, Baby, are you okay? Aw Honey, it's okay. Come here, let's dry you off." Her mom murmured soothing words as she toweled Talia off and changed her into dry clothes. She grabbed her Teddy off the bed and clung to her mother for dear life. Never ever again was she going out in a storm. BOOM!

Talia jumped, shocked out of her reverie by the cabin trembling fearfully again. She didn't blame the cabin. She was never listening to Becca again.

Terrifying thoughts

Almost a month later, I sit down on my newly fixed computer and type out what it is that haunts my dreams at night. And I'm not talking about monsters that go bump in the night, or anything that silly. I'm talking about that kind of fear that creeps up on you and paralyzes you; making you unable to thing clearly about what you want out of life. I'll start with the biggest and work my way down. Deep breath. Here goes.

My biggest fear in life is being nobody. This sounds generic, but my entire life I've fought to be known. Fought by being the loudest, being the funniest, having the biggest laugh and biggest smile. This fear has brought out sides of me that aren't that flattering. I've compromised myself and morals to be someone that everyone can like. The saddest realization I've had about myself is that I can be swayed easily from something I previously felt passionate about. It could be one of my quirks. I can be gung ho on a project and a week later I've lost interest. This is what I keep telling myself.

So this fear that sits in the pit of my stomach at all times has been gnawing away at me. Could I be somebody? I've always loved writing, loved acting, loved being the center of attention. But the part about getting out and actually making that happen? That's when the paralysis kicks in. My entire life I've thought that I want to go out of this world having made an impact. Now I know not all impacts are splashy and public; my kids will remember me long after I'm gone. But I want this world that we live on and rotate with to change slightly by me. And I'm not sure exactly how I want to make an impact, but I just know that being nobody scares me. But that fear somehow worms its way through me so that I can't do that.

Which brings me to my second greatest fear: getting a job. But not just about having the job, about trying to get one. Ever since 10th grade, I could get any waitressing job I've ever wanted. Or any small, part-time job. I knew how to do that. Go in, fill out an application, hand it in personally to the boss, and charm them. Having experience made this easier; made me confident. But I don't know how to translate that experience with job finding into this new, grown-up world. My experience is nowhere near as vast as my waitressing experience so my confidence level is lower, and I feel like the job seeking process should be different with the kind of job I'm looking for. I'm not looking to work through these problems on my blog, just simply state and explain them. Maybe writing them down will help me conquer them though. Here's hoping.

So those two are the greatest fears I have (besides never finding love) that I feel directly effect me finding a job. I want a job. I could be great at whatever I do. I put my all into work that I feel passionate about, and I'm always looking for creative outlets for my energy. I'm ready to bust out of my little comfort zone and try something new and different. Let's give it up for working through problems indirectly. Writing always helps me.

Stay tuned for another highly anticipated blog entry from the Paper[less] Route. I think I may be changing directions next time, so bear with me folks. :)

Next blog

I'm going to write a little intro before I write my next entry.

A good friend of mine told me that I should write about what terrifies me most on here. What I think my weaknesses are and what's holding me back from the next chapter in my life.

I think it's a good idea to put those down in writing because it will be easier to defeat those and rise above; at least, that's what I'm hoping it will do. So stay tuned for the next chapter of Ashley Turner's life. It should be a good one.

Sweet

Honey is sweet. Honey is kind and a typical do-gooder. But Honey is tired of being good and sweet and kind and boring. Honey wanted to be bad.

Honey is a waitress. Honey goes to her job and works dutifully and well. But where is all this goodness getting me? She thought.

Honey is a good daughter. She lives at home with her parents and does not give them trouble. Honey is always home on time, calls her parents to let them know where she is and helps with the bills. Where is the fun in that?

Honey licked her lips as she stared up at the neon sign in front of her. The phone in her pocket buzzed for the second time; "Home" flashed on the screen. For the second time, Honey pressed ignore. The breeze nipped around the flash of her legs not covered by her short skirt and her knee-high boots. Honey shivered in anticipation and pushed through the door.

Honey hiccuped loudly and then giggled. The arm draped around her shoulders tightened slightly and pulled her in closer. You taste sweet...like honey, the voice slurred in her ear. Honey laughed, head thrown back and flung her laughter to the stars. How can honey taste sweet when she was being so bad?

It's been a while

I would like to stop making excuses for myself. So. Here is a new blog, sorry for the delay.

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and it just took me a while to put it up, but this theme is happiness. I wrote it with pencil and paper first, then transferred it onto the blog.

I touch the pencil to paper and try to catch the tail end of the thoughts that are racing around in my head. Like the elusive thoughts, the definition of happiness seems to always be out of reach.

How do you define something amorphous? How do you assign one or more lines of paper to a feeling so interchangeable? By describing certain moments in time where happiness was the prevalent thought in my mind.

I hear the blood rushing in my ears, feel my heartbeat thudding along in time with my footfalls. My eyes roll heavenward to take in the blue sky with clouds lazily drifting by. I take in a deep breath and close my eyes as the smell of nature fills my lungs and one thought drifts through my mind like the clouds in the sky: happiness...

The door slams behind me and I slump on the stairs, defeat rounding my shoulders. My breath escapes lungs and runs out of my mouth, forming a forlorn sigh that bounces loudly in the big, empty house. A tear rolls soundlessly down my cheek as I think about what a horrible day I've had. Just then the clicking sounds of my dogs toenails on the hardwood floor draw my attention and my eyes up from the floor, focusing on his little doggy smile aimed my way. Max, my Yorkshire Terrier, smiles at me whenever he's happy to see me and it makes my own lips turn up at the corners. His joy at seeing me lifts my own heart and I draw him into my arms, kissing his little snout in gratitude. As the bad day slowly evaporates, one word quickly takes the empty space left behind: happiness...

I settle in to the fluffy pillow behind me and pull the warm blanket up closer to my chin. A book sits on the table beside me and a sigh of contentment drifts out of my mouth. I'm not sure if this moment could be made any better. I look around the room that I'm currently resting in and breathe in the quiet and dim lighting. The sushi pub at my job is usually filled with people, blaring televisions and noisy chatter, but currently it is calm and peaceful; inviting me to pick up my book and enjoy my break from the calamity. Before I immerse myself in the world of my book, I think about what this moment in time feels like to me: happiness...




Next theme: Sweet.

Lazy Sundays

I have jotted down some stuff for my first theme: urges. I'll copy it down here just to get the ball rolling. Now. Just to clarify my writing style, each week will be different. Some weeks I may write a short story, some weeks I may write a continuing story, some may be a poem, and others just feelings written down. Here's some ramblings for the previous week.

So many urges inside.
One person cannot hold them all.
Urges to be good; urges to be bad.

I'm a daughter. I'm a Christian.
Both urges seem good.
But when I feel that pull,
I decide to go bad.

There are good urges.
Be a good daughter; respect.
But the other side, they're bad.
Drink, cuss, steal; I'm consumed.

A fire burns inside.
Good and bad rages.
It's a never ending battle.
And who knows which side will win.

Be an asset to your community,
and give your all for free.
But then you need to earn your keep.
Go out, work; then fall.



Promise I'm not always this melodramatic :-D It's just been a stressful week. Okay, next week I will post a new theme and some more writin' for you guys!

Procrastination at its best

Okay guys, here's the deal. I know I was supposed to post the themes by now, but guess what in the world happened. (Drum roll please, because I know you all are dying to know this) My laptop has passed away. *Moment of silence*

The screen is actually destroyed, and I can't see anything. But I've got big plans for this blog yet. As soon as I fix my computer (or get a new one), OR gain access to Illustrator or Photoshop, I'm going to design the header for this blog. So. Be patient, fair readers. I'll write you another love letter soon :)