Terrifying thoughts

Almost a month later, I sit down on my newly fixed computer and type out what it is that haunts my dreams at night. And I'm not talking about monsters that go bump in the night, or anything that silly. I'm talking about that kind of fear that creeps up on you and paralyzes you; making you unable to thing clearly about what you want out of life. I'll start with the biggest and work my way down. Deep breath. Here goes.

My biggest fear in life is being nobody. This sounds generic, but my entire life I've fought to be known. Fought by being the loudest, being the funniest, having the biggest laugh and biggest smile. This fear has brought out sides of me that aren't that flattering. I've compromised myself and morals to be someone that everyone can like. The saddest realization I've had about myself is that I can be swayed easily from something I previously felt passionate about. It could be one of my quirks. I can be gung ho on a project and a week later I've lost interest. This is what I keep telling myself.

So this fear that sits in the pit of my stomach at all times has been gnawing away at me. Could I be somebody? I've always loved writing, loved acting, loved being the center of attention. But the part about getting out and actually making that happen? That's when the paralysis kicks in. My entire life I've thought that I want to go out of this world having made an impact. Now I know not all impacts are splashy and public; my kids will remember me long after I'm gone. But I want this world that we live on and rotate with to change slightly by me. And I'm not sure exactly how I want to make an impact, but I just know that being nobody scares me. But that fear somehow worms its way through me so that I can't do that.

Which brings me to my second greatest fear: getting a job. But not just about having the job, about trying to get one. Ever since 10th grade, I could get any waitressing job I've ever wanted. Or any small, part-time job. I knew how to do that. Go in, fill out an application, hand it in personally to the boss, and charm them. Having experience made this easier; made me confident. But I don't know how to translate that experience with job finding into this new, grown-up world. My experience is nowhere near as vast as my waitressing experience so my confidence level is lower, and I feel like the job seeking process should be different with the kind of job I'm looking for. I'm not looking to work through these problems on my blog, just simply state and explain them. Maybe writing them down will help me conquer them though. Here's hoping.

So those two are the greatest fears I have (besides never finding love) that I feel directly effect me finding a job. I want a job. I could be great at whatever I do. I put my all into work that I feel passionate about, and I'm always looking for creative outlets for my energy. I'm ready to bust out of my little comfort zone and try something new and different. Let's give it up for working through problems indirectly. Writing always helps me.

Stay tuned for another highly anticipated blog entry from the Paper[less] Route. I think I may be changing directions next time, so bear with me folks. :)

Communications, you say?

A fancy way to further communication within our society: blogging. I was talking with my mom the other day about blogging and I said, "So my teacher said that we could substitute one of our tests with a blog, even though it might be more work," but my mom cuts me off and says, "What?" I said, "Oh yeah, it might be more work but..." At the confused look on her face I trailed off and my sister-in-law said, "Blogging, it's like a journal online." Clarity dawned on my mom's face and I just smiled. It's so easy to be outdated now with technology rapidly becoming more and more complicated (or just evolving, rather).

So how great is it that we've added tools to keep everyone updated on our whereabouts and what we just had for breakfast. Blogging is the future but has it dampered our communications skills?

There are two sides to this. The other day in my Communications Theory class we discussed the consequences of Facebook; this is very similar. Facebook can lead to diminished face-to-face communications skills, bad health, bad grammar, unpopularity and a drop in productivity among many things. Blogging can be the same way and I've experienced this first hand. When there is nothing to do but homework a lot of procrastinators (such as myself) look for ways to put off doing work. I had a blog on myspace and a blog on Xanga and I must have posted two blogs on each page in the span of an hour. Talk about diminished productivity. People can get so caught up in blogging that it can become an obsession and take over your life.

But that can be the same for a lot of things. On the positive side, blogging can help you keep in touch with friends that live far away (or keep up with a long distance relationship), it can make your social and professional networking increase and it can help you sharpen your grammatical skills. I know that I use a lot of fancy words in my blogs that I wouldn't use in a natural conversation, but that's the fun of blogging: you get to sound like a professional.

So blogging can be good or bad, depends on how you use your time. Blogging is a great step for Communications because it's a way to discuss things (theories, concepts, Communications class) with the world fast, and without spending money on postage.