Terrifying thoughts

Almost a month later, I sit down on my newly fixed computer and type out what it is that haunts my dreams at night. And I'm not talking about monsters that go bump in the night, or anything that silly. I'm talking about that kind of fear that creeps up on you and paralyzes you; making you unable to thing clearly about what you want out of life. I'll start with the biggest and work my way down. Deep breath. Here goes.

My biggest fear in life is being nobody. This sounds generic, but my entire life I've fought to be known. Fought by being the loudest, being the funniest, having the biggest laugh and biggest smile. This fear has brought out sides of me that aren't that flattering. I've compromised myself and morals to be someone that everyone can like. The saddest realization I've had about myself is that I can be swayed easily from something I previously felt passionate about. It could be one of my quirks. I can be gung ho on a project and a week later I've lost interest. This is what I keep telling myself.

So this fear that sits in the pit of my stomach at all times has been gnawing away at me. Could I be somebody? I've always loved writing, loved acting, loved being the center of attention. But the part about getting out and actually making that happen? That's when the paralysis kicks in. My entire life I've thought that I want to go out of this world having made an impact. Now I know not all impacts are splashy and public; my kids will remember me long after I'm gone. But I want this world that we live on and rotate with to change slightly by me. And I'm not sure exactly how I want to make an impact, but I just know that being nobody scares me. But that fear somehow worms its way through me so that I can't do that.

Which brings me to my second greatest fear: getting a job. But not just about having the job, about trying to get one. Ever since 10th grade, I could get any waitressing job I've ever wanted. Or any small, part-time job. I knew how to do that. Go in, fill out an application, hand it in personally to the boss, and charm them. Having experience made this easier; made me confident. But I don't know how to translate that experience with job finding into this new, grown-up world. My experience is nowhere near as vast as my waitressing experience so my confidence level is lower, and I feel like the job seeking process should be different with the kind of job I'm looking for. I'm not looking to work through these problems on my blog, just simply state and explain them. Maybe writing them down will help me conquer them though. Here's hoping.

So those two are the greatest fears I have (besides never finding love) that I feel directly effect me finding a job. I want a job. I could be great at whatever I do. I put my all into work that I feel passionate about, and I'm always looking for creative outlets for my energy. I'm ready to bust out of my little comfort zone and try something new and different. Let's give it up for working through problems indirectly. Writing always helps me.

Stay tuned for another highly anticipated blog entry from the Paper[less] Route. I think I may be changing directions next time, so bear with me folks. :)